Tantra is a beautiful way of being. The foundation of tantra for me is the full integration of our spiritual selves into our physical selves. This is where we are truly whole. But it isn’t spiritual practice within our daily lives that is interesting – it is the integration of the mystery and infinite possibilities and guidance of spirit into our physical and specific experience. From here, we feel whole personally. We expand into all aspects of our lives – and this constant growth makes us feel very alive and happy.
We extend this into all of our relationships – children, partners, friends, colleagues. These connections become deep and meaningful.
From here, we can apply it to our intimate love-making (if we choose), which brings the incredible ecstasy that we are searching for… and why we are often called to tantra in the first place.
- Profile and Credentials
An excerpt from my book “Tantric Intimacy: Discover the Magic of True Connection”
“My First Teacher
When I was 29, I went through a healing crisis that completely changed my life. The man, Jim, who helped me through it, was the person who introduced me to this beautiful world I was seeking.
He would wonder why people didn’t walk around fully orgasmic all day long. He couldn’t imagine making love for less than three hours at a time. He would talk about how crazy it was that men ejaculated. He couldn’t understand our obsession with orgasms since, if we wanted one, all we had to do was think about it.
My husband and I would listen to him intently, but we really had no idea what he was talking about. What would we do for three hours? What did he mean about no ejaculation? How could you walk around completely orgasmic? What did that even mean? And how could you have an orgasm just by thinking about it?
However, the greater lesson for me at that time was a very spiritual journey. He taught me how to connect with God/the divine/spirit and truly trust and follow the guidance I heard. This was a great challenge for me because I had a lot of issues with organized religion. Even more importantly, I trusted my brain completely to guide me through life. I had a degree in mathematics. I was a “good” girl. Logic and rules told me what was acceptable and expected in life.
Gurus and teachers appear when we are in crisis. Everything I had believed was right in the world had led me right to this point. I was 29 years old, had lumps growing in my breast, two small children, a husband, and my whole life ahead of me. My mom had died of breast cancer four years before. Her mom and sister had died of cancer as well. I was at a turning point. I didn’t want to continue that legacy and I didn’t want to pass it on to my daughter. And so, I was totally open to trying something new because I didn’t want to die.
Through my healing journey, I got to spend many hours with Jim. He was my first true teacher. I trusted him completely. I stayed completely open to everything he said, even though I had no idea how to get to this magical place he was talking about.
I now understand that Jim created the foundation for my lifelong tantric journey. I learned to trust the perfection of the universe. I learned how to release my mind and listen to higher guidance. I learned how to let go of everything I had ever been taught and trust something much greater than myself.
I’m not saying it was easy. I had many, many dark nights of the soul as I released all the constructs that defined every aspect of my life. And afterwards, I was completely different.
I include Jim in some of the stories and teachings in this book. His teachings are now part of me and as you read this book, he, and all of my teachers, are sprinkled through all of the pages. (The complete story of my healing journey can be found in my first book, “What If You Could Skip the Cancer?”)
The Unfolding of Tantra
When I was 35, I found myself lying awake in bed as my husband slept. Something wasn’t sitting with me. Everything in our life was apparently perfect, but something was gnawing at my insides.
We were happily married. We loved each other. We had passion, love, touch, and lots of pleasure. We did everything “right.” And yet, I knew something was missing. I couldn’t describe it. I didn’t know where to look for it, and I didn’t know anyone else who had found it.
I remembered that once, in our early 20s, my husband and I were making love in my dorm-room at university and “something” happened. It began as normal sex, but then energy started coursing through us in a totally different way. It was like we were being carried on a river. It was the most incredible and indescribable pleasure I had ever felt. Of course, we tried to recreate it many times over the years. But no matter what position, angle or technique we tried, nothing worked. We just couldn’t make it happen again.
As I lay there thinking about this, the word “tantra” started bubbling up inside of me. I didn’t even know what it was, and no matter how I tried to put it out of my mind, this word, tantra, kept repeating itself. I knew I had to find out what it meant.
To begin my study, I went to our local library (this was pre-internet) and asked the librarians to order in all of the books they could find on tantra. When I went to pick them up, the elderly librarian would stare at me from behind the stack of various tantra books. She would look at each book, then at me over her glasses. Then she would slowly stamp the book with this look of curiosity, judgement… and something else. I don’t know what she was really thinking, but I got quite a giggle out of it.
Most of what I found in those books was definitely not what I was looking for – rituals under the full moon, sexual practices and exercises, communes, etc. But I did find many books pointing to the spiritual essence of tantra, the role of an open heart in relationships, and how true intimacy works between a couple. I studied for a couple of years and then my husband and I took off for a week in Jamaica – a lovely bubble where we could try everything out.
Well, we definitely found it. Three hours of lovemaking was nothing! We made love for six to seven hours every day (not all at once). And in between, we had all the magical intimacy I had been seeking – an effortless, loving connection that felt like we were always making love, whether we were walking on the beach, having lunch, or relaxing by the pool.
The love-making was like nothing I’d ever experienced. The feeling of orgasms flowing through our bodies in unending waves… the playfulness and deepened connection. It was truly amazing.
My Tantric Awakening
The week was filled with a lot of healing tears and amazing pleasure, but on the fifth day, I was changed in a profound way.
During one of our lovemaking sessions, he was deep inside of me. On the outside, we were quite still, but on the inside energy was flowing through us like crazy. My yoni (vagina) was doing crazy things to him – completely independent of me. Whatever she was doing was sending the most exhilarating waves of orgasm all the way through me.
I don’t know how long this went on, when suddenly energy shot up through me like the warmest golden light right out the top of my head. It was absolute ecstasy. It flowed and flowed and flowed.
As it happened, something unfolded inside of me. A knowing. Memories. It was like a tiny cube unfolding into a huge tree. It was an experience that, to this day, I really can’t articulate.
After this experience, I now understood tantra. I understood everything my first teacher had taught me. I knew what we were all capable of. A huge treasure chest had been opened.
And I knew that I was meant to share it.
The Birth of Fusion Tantra & This Book
I began travelling to attend tantra retreats and trainings, not only to learn and see what was out there, but also to find community and see if others were having the same experiences I was.
I met wonderful people and experienced healing and personal revelations in my travels. But, similarly to when I first researched tantra through books, I kept thinking, “But this isn’t what I know to be tantra.” And when I shared my sexual experiences with the others in my classes, they would look at me wide-eyed and tell me they’d never heard of that before.
It was also strange to me that so many workshops and teachings included nudity, sexual exercises, multiple partners, kink, and rituals. None of this rang true as being tantric for me. I knew tantra was a natural part of every person. It was our birthright. You could be old, young, naked or dressed in a parka. It was the most natural thing we could do. Yet, tantra had become something only for outliers, people on the fringe of society, and this was so far from the truth.
Then I met a man on one of these retreats who was a self-professed “tantra junkie.” He had been studying tantra for over 30 years. He had attended lots of different schools, gone to all the festivals. We spent hours chatting about tantra, spirituality, and connection. I showed him how to feel total bliss simply through breathing together. How through non-sexual touch, you could have a full-body orgasm. None of this was intentional. It just flowed from our open-hearted connection.
Afterwards he said, “Do you know that I have never experienced anything like this before? Never. I’ve never even heard teachers talk about it. I don’t know why. Being with you is so simple. It’s like we aren’t doing anything, and yet it’s so completely different. I don’t get it. All I know is that you have to teach it. People need to know this is possible.”
Whatever had unlocked within me on that beautiful day in Jamaica was simply beyond my understanding. I didn’t have to study further. I already knew it.
As I figured out how to share this with others, I realized that every experience in my life had created a foundation for me to share this ancient teaching in ways that our modern world could understand and put into practice.
I had been a scientific, analytical mathematician and a flowy, yoga teacher. I’d been the computer programming city-slicker and the earthy, organic dairy farmer. I’d been the housewife and the feminist, the mystic and a skeptic. I’d had highs that continue to blow my mind and lows that I never want to repeat. I had been a mother, foster mother, and unofficial mother to so many (and still am).
This all created a very grounded foundation to share a very spiritual teaching.
So, I launched my school, Fusion Tantra. Our “tantra-junkie” friend from the story actually came up with the name because I showed him what it felt like for two people to fully merge – to actually “fuse” together (even without being sexual). I soon began teaching online courses that are now studied by students all around the world.
My greatest break was an article that I wrote called “Tantra is the Opposite of Porn,” which you can read in the appendix. It was based on a discussion with a friend of mine before I began openly teaching tantra. At the time it was published, I was living in a very small, conservative town and was convinced I might be “tarred and feathered” or driven out of town if it became known that I taught tantra (people often link tantra with orgies and wild sex lives). I told my friend this fear and he said, “Don’t you understand what you’re offering? The world is addicted to porn. And you are teaching the opposite. This is an incredible gift.” The next day, I wrote the article. I shared it on the internet. It went viral and continues to be shared and translated into hundreds of languages.
I have also taught around the world. What intrigues me the most is watching the people in my classes look at me, spellbound, while I talk. When I ask them how they are doing, their response is always something like: “It’s so strange to hear you speak. It’s like I already know what you’re saying. I have just never been able to put it into words before. Even though I have never had the experiences you’ve had, some part of me knows that they are completely possible. It’s like you are describing something I already know deep inside… Please keep talking. It’s all good.”
This is when I knew I was right on track.
As more and more people found me, they would ask me to recommend a book for them to get started. The best I could do was recommend books that had helped me on my journey. But none of them really covered what I knew and taught.
That was when this book, Tantric Intimacy: Discover The Magic of True Connection was born.”