BOUNDARIES START WITH YOU: SELF LOVE & KNOWING YOUR WORTH
Following post is contributed by our member teahers Aaron & Chantelle
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In my 20’s and 30’s, I tried a range of ways to find fulfilment in relationship. Safe relationships, wild and uncontained relationships, polyamorous, monogamous, relationships with women, triangles, open marriage, marriage in separate houses…you name it, I tried it! Finally, I began to see clearly that happiness could not come to me through another – that I had to find the inner beloved, Sacred Union Within. That I had to find my own worth and self-love before I could expect it from another.
I thank each person I have ever fallen in love with for mirroring to me an aspect of myself that I hadn’t fully owned. Each one was inviting me back to myself, to meet myself in Sacred Union and to find a place of self love. I thank life for always providing me with the opportunity to share the fruits of my own hearts growth with so many others. It is my greatest joy.
When we know our worth, we no longer need to prove ourselves or seek validation for external sources. When we know our worth, relationships become a beautiful playground from which self love can spring forth and true respect becomes possible.
In this blog, you will learn about self love and how setting boundaries start with you and the way you treat yourself. This will help you to assert healthy boundaries and teach others how to treat you and will mark the beginning of your commitment to yourself.
You know and remember your worth when you begin to truly love yourself.
When you feel loved by another (friends, beloved, colleagues) you feel good and worthy of love; but inevitably, unless you truly love yourself, you will end up feeling afraid of losing that person’s love because that person is responsible for how worthy of love you feel. This is going to make it very difficult to set boundaries because you will be looking to please others in order to feel loved.
‘Yes’ will come easier to you than ‘no’.
What if you gave yourself the love and validation you need in order to feel good about yourself?
This would mean that saying yes to YOU becomes more important than saying yes to others. When love depends on another, or on external circumstances, our worthiness is constantly dictated by the outside world and it is very difficult to have healthy boundaries. When love depends on you, there is a feeling of worthiness that is gentle, soft and consistent. Ease instead of stress. Taking care of oneself first before taking care of others. Boundaries instead of tolerating behaviour that is not loving.
Rather than evaluating how much someone else is approving of you to measure your worthiness, you will start evaluating yourself. When you are not feeling ease, love and joy, you will fill your cup from the inside rather than outside – hopefully using some of the practices I’ve shared in the Eliyah blogs such as “Enticing Desire: Learning how to think and feel sexy” or our “Daily Practices to Shift Stress” . There are many resources to draw upon there.
I am often asked:
“Why do I keep attracting partners who can’t meet me?”
“Why do I keep attracting selfish people?”
“Why is my partner not more attuned to me?”
“Why doesn’t s/he give me the love that I deserve?”
My answer is often the same: “You are not meeting you”, “You give and compromise too much”, “You are not attuned to you”, “You are not giving yourself the love that you deserve”.
The outer is a reflection of the inner and we attract what we think we deserve. We also teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves and the boundaries that we set. What we think we deserve will be reflected in both.
BOUNDARIES START WITH YOU
If we are treating ourselves with love, care and respect it is going to be a lot easier to set boundaries when people in our lives are not doing the same. If your nervous system is accustomed being berated and/or overridden by your internal dialogue and actions; and if your nervous system is not accustomed to being well nurtured, you will attract that reflection.
You will continue to bring people into your life that give you a feeling of not being worthy of love if that is the feeling that you are giving yourself. Here’s the thing: everyone who has come into your life has not only come into your life for a reason but because you attracted him or her to you.
Once you start showing yourself that you are worthy of the love through your thoughts and actions, you will either attract a partner who does the same, or teach them how to treat you very quickly! Generally speaking though, people whose actions reflect your own felt belief – I am worthy of love– are the ones who are attracted to people who are confident, self-loving, happy with their own company and who have healthy boundaries. People who cannot meet your needs also reflect your own felt belief – I am not worthy of love– and are attracted to people who are broken inside because they can manipulate and take advantage of you.
Love yourself, know your worth and this energy will attract someone who knows how to treat you because YOU take good care of yourself. This is what we call the “law of attraction.” Like attracts like.
Until you change any core belief that you don’t deserve love and respect, through your body, you’ll keep attracting people who transgress your boundaries and don’t know how to treat you.
One way to get there is to stop listening to that voice in your head that; is down on you, stops you from loving yourself and searches for love and validation externally. The key is to be quiet. It’s not that your mind must be quiet. You must be quiet. You, the one inside watching the neurotic mind, just relax. You will then naturally fall behind the mind because you have always been there. You are NOT the thinking mind, you are aware of the thinking mind. You are awareness.
You can also build your sense of self worth through positive mantras eg. “I am beautiful,” “I am worthy,” and “I open to receiving love and respect“.
“In case you haven’t noticed, you have a mental dialogue going on inside your head that never stops. It just keeps going and going. Have you ever wondered why it talks in there? How does it decide what to say and when to say it? How much of what it says turns out to be true? How much of what it says is even important? And if right now you are hearing, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t have any voice inside my head!” That’s the voice we’re talking about.
If you’re smart, you’ll take the time to step back, examine this voice, and get to know it better. The problem is, you’re too close to be objective. If you spend some time observing this mental voice, the first thing you will notice is that it never shuts up. When left to its own, it just talks.”
~ Michael Singer
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