Surrender: The True Art Of The Feminine

Following post is contributed by our member teaher Amanda Biccum
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It is so easy to get caught up in today’s fast-paced world that it is only until we fall flat on our faces that we get to really stay still. In praise of the true art of the feminine, Amanda Biccum talks about surrendering and finding the kind stillness that brings out our biggest breakthroughs. Show up for yourself amidst the chaos and into where you most need to be. Honor that in this episode.

What Parts Of You Are You Willing To Let Die

I have a terrible time surrendering. It’s one of the reasons why I’ve committed to living life the way that I do, in a state and a space with a lifestyle where most people would probably consider it quite chaotic. When I don’t have a routine, when I don’t know where I’m going, it’s when I can surrender the most deeply. One of the areas that I’ve been practicing for the last years as I’ve been learning to trust the divine feminine within myself, within the world has been about learning to soften, to surrender, to do less and yet the deeply ingrained programming still lies thick within my veins. Sometimes, it isn’t until I fall flat on my face and I have no choice but to surrender that I finally get the message. That’s when my biggest breakthroughs end up happening. It’s a practice after all.  

One thing that I’ve learned having been a teacher for many years in different modalities and practices is that by becoming a teacher, by positioning myself in a space where I’m constantly practicing because any good teacher is truly just a great student. By putting myself in a state of constantly practicing, constantly embodying, I show up. I show up more fully for myself and in that, I show up more fully for my community, my loved ones, my relationships and anyone else around me. This is what I teach. This is what I help. Those who come to me are ready to surrender to something greater than themselves and their ego, the stories they’ve been sold and the stories society has sold them. What made me prompt this experience, this story, this showis that I am lying on my bed in Ubud and I was incredibly sick. It’s probably one of the most physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted states I’ve been in probably since I got really sick in India.  

India was longterm death it felt like for over the course of three months, so it’s hard to compare to that. This was an acute exhaustion and it was from me doing too much. Its so funny because the doing part of me, the ego part of me, the part of me that still enjoys when she performs and feels like her performance is what creates her story of if she’s lovable is so deeply ingrained in me and I love it. I love showing up and I love giving. I love being of service. 

Sometimes I love it so much that I give more than I have and that’s exactly what happened. I got done having amazing episodes of experiences where I was helping hold space and holding the space, creating temples. Helping hold temples and being in the Holland Tantra festival, supporting there and having many late nights holding space and just being up late and starting early and serving all day again. It was in all of those moments of doing and giving, slowly I stopped doing and giving the things I know that my soul needs giving to myself. I became too tired because I would stay up so late, 3:00, 4:00, maybe even 5:00 AM that my morning practice began to be too much. I would skip out on my morning practice in order to sleep. Then by the time I would wake up, it was going back into serving mode, holding space. I know this. It’s like a pattern that I’m far too well aware of that when I get into this pattern of giving more than I’m giving to myself, I end up crashing and burning. That’s exactly what happened.  

It can be easily disguised whenever I’m like, “I’m not going out and partying or doing nothing. I’m serving. In a way, I am giving to myself.” That’s true but truthfully beyond it all, I’m doing too much and I’m not giving to myself. This is exactly what I’m so adamant on when I run the divine feminine experiences. Another reason why I love hosting these experiences for women is that I show up as much as I ask the women to show up and we become pillars of consciousness, reflections of one another. That’s one of the reasons why I feel so called to continue hosting these experiences for women. Here I am in Ubud. I came here and I was like, “can’t do anything. I’m not going to do anything. I’m sick. I had a fever probably and I’ve been traveling. I rented an Airbnb where breakfast would be delivered to me. Other than that, I was going to lay in bed and even that is hard for me, the story of resting. I can see how my mind turns it into being lazy. 

The story of resting, I can see how my mind tries to turn it in that I’m not doing anything. There’s guilt wrapped up in the non-doing and it pains me. It pains me that I’ve created a story to where resting isn’t good and that I need to be doing more. This is the model in which my awareness is tuning to where I can choose to overcome that because it’s an old story. In fact, when I rest more, more comes through me. What I mean by that is I open up to receive more. When I rest more, my body is open. It is soft, receptive. When I’m doing, I become tense. Chris Bale put out blog on doing and working out and the damage that causes to the receptivity of the female body specifically. It’s good. If you guys ever check him out, Chris Bale on Instagram and Awakened Intent. We did an episode a while back. It’s still the number one episode. 

I sat here and I landed in Ubud. I sleptthen I woke up and I started doing just some stretching on the bed. Breakfast was brought to me and I promised myself that I’m going to get off the computer for three days. I’m not going to answer to anybody’s messages. I’m going to be offline, even to my loved ones. I can’t handle it. The funny thing was I said I was going to do that the day before and then I received a WhatsApp message from a client and she’s like, Amanda, please, before you go offline, check your messages. It’s very important.” Part of me was like, “Boundaries.” The other part of me was like, “This is somebody you know. This is your business. This is a client and this is somebody you care about. You should check the message.” This is a huge lesson for me, and maybe I’ll do a part two on boundaries. Boundaries are a huge lesson for me. Often, I don’t respect my own boundaries and that’s what gets me into a lot of trouble, which is what gets me into where I am now where I’m literally sick. 

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I was laying in my bed and I’m like, “I’m just going to lay here all day.” I don’t remember the last time I’ve laid in bed all day and it’s beautiful. I’m in this canopy bed and I’m looking out at the garden and it’s amazing. It’s a beautiful paradise. The masculine side kicks on and it’s like, “Amanda, you want to find a place to live. You’re going to be in Ubud for at least a month. You know that the quicker you find a place to live, the more grounded you become. Therefore, you should find a place to live and your friends told you that the best place to find a place to live is going to be on the Facebook group. You should do that while you’re having your morning breakfast,” so I did. I disregarded myself again because I was living from fear that I wouldn’t find a place instead of living and trusting to surrender. It was after about 30 minutes online that I realized what I was doing, even though I didn’t check my messages, even though I didn’t respond to anyone other than the couple of people that I was messaging about a place. It’s like, “What are you doing? How hard is it to surrender to yourself?”  

Here I am working on this blog. The show is such a beautiful platform for me to share my honesty and my vulnerability, my lessons, what I’m going through. It’s a creative outlet. Sometimes when I’m too lazy to journal, which has been a lot lately, speaking comes naturally to me. It’s a place that I can express and there’s relief in that expression. I have to question, “Am I doing it because I desire or am I doing it because I haven’t put a show up in weeks and I’m feeling guilty about that? It never ends. Here I am on a constant journey, learning to surrender, inviting in. There’s a part of me that clenches inside, still wanting to hold on because I know the power of the word and the magic of the word. When I say inviting in that which will help me to surrenderI know that I’m also inviting in potential discomfortI’ll share this message for a few reasons. The first is to reach out and to share some vulnerabilityto share some of that which I’ve been witnessing myself go through. Also to share where I’ve been because I haven’t had many episodes. I’ve been very busy with the personal and the physical world. I’ve had a little time to myself, which is when I’m alone is when I come up with creative content. 

Third, I’ll share as a reminder to myself that every moment, I have an opportunity to surrender. As much as every part of me wants to finish this episode and put it online quick, I’m not going to do that. I’m going to surrender that I haven’t put an episode out and that’s okay. I’m going to practice what I preach and even though sometimes I might mess it up, I’m going to commit to continue embodying where I am and where it is I desire to be. I thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for being a part of this community. Thank you for feeling into what surrender means to you, how this resonates or doesn’t resonate and feeling deeper into why it is that you were called to read this episode. I’m sending love from Ubud. Hopefully, I’ll surrender for the next couple of days and I have more time and space to lean in and share more on the other side. Ciao for now.

Amanda Biccum

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